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David Harcourt
Administrator
| Joined: | 12 Jul 2006 |
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| Posts: | 1074 |
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Posted: 20 Nov 2007 02:53 am |
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At the moment I am in a state of some trepidation, for I am waiting to be told The Third Lie. As to what the suspense feels like, I can only give you a sense of this by telling you about The Second Pee.
Many years ago now I worked with a very nice man named David Gamble who, I see via Google, was New Zealand's Ambasador in Luxembourg in 1990, resident in Brussels, and Head of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs & Trade's Environment Division in 1997.
I imagine that he has retired by now, and is sitting under a tree with a glass of wine and a book.
At least, I hope he is.
Anyway, Dave - for so he liked to be called - told me once about the greatest terror he had ever experienced. It came about like this. Dave had an operation - what I believe we are now (after 1000 hospital-related programmes on television) required to call "a procedure" - for some obscure urinary problem. Following the operation he was told that there "might be some discomfort" when he passed urine.
In due course, the need arose, and he experienced the most appalling agony.
"How frightful," I said, sympathetically.
"It was nothing," he replied. "Nothing at all compared with the agony - the sheer terror - which I experienced as I waited for The Second Pee. Knowing what the first one had been like, the suspense was awful."
And so it is for me with The Third Lie. I am assuming that there is going to be a third one, for there have been two, in quick succession, and they have both happened in or about the New World Supermarket across the road from my shop here in Molesworth Street in Wellington.
The First Lie was amazing. On Saturdays the supermarket's owner permits charitable organisations to sell hot dogs (sausages in bread) outside its doors. These items are nutritionally null - may even be bad for one - but they are hot and served with fried onions and your choice of condiments. I like them.
A couple of weeks ago I bought one of these items. Just before I did so one of the three harpies running the stall dropped a paper napkin on the ground. Before my disbelieving eyes she picked this up and put it back on top of the pile of napkins on the table. When they came to serve my hot dog I asked whether I could have a different napkin.
"Why?" snapped the chief harpie.
"Because that one - the one on the top - has been on the ground," I replied mildly.
Harpie A turned to Harpie C: "You never!" she said.
"Of course not," said Harpie C. "The idea!"
"But I saw you do it," I said.
"You never!" said Harpie C, and looked at me with undiluted hatred.
As I walked away with my hot dog (in a clean napkin) I could see the three of them gesticulating wildly and gesturing in my direction. I wondered afterwards whether the delinquent one had ever admitted to the others what she'd done, but I doubt it. Even for three such as these the idea that anyone could calmly hand another person food wrapped in a napkin which has been on the ground was too bizarre to imagine, I'm sure.
At least, I hope it was.
So far, so good. A strange little incident, unrelated to any other. We move on. But today I was in the supermarket and narrowly avoided being run down by a woman in her seventies who was unsteadily pushing a trolley which was far larger than herself. A nice little old lady; the kind of person one wishes one's aunts evolved into.
"Get out of the bloody way!" she snarled.
I paused in my travels and asked, as mildly as before: "Aren't you a little old to be swearing at people in supermarkets?"
"I never did!" she said.
"But you did," I said. "You said 'bloody'."
"I never did!" she said, and I gave it up and moved off.
This is all far, far too exciting for me. Unlike most people who go to the supermarket - at least, most of the people who go to the New World Supermarket in Thorndon - I go to such places to buy food and leave as soon as possible after I arrive. I do not go there seeking companionship, entertainment or adventure.
After the first two Lies, I am very fearful about what the third will be. Will it be like this?
DH: "Excuse me, but that person you have stabbed several times with that kitchen knife appears to be about to die. I should like to try to render him some assistance. It would be appreciated if you would desist while I do this."
Mad person: "I never stabbed him! Me? I wouldn't hurt a fly."
DH: "Of course. Quite right. How could I have imagined such a thing. But if I could try to stem the flow of blood it's possible that he may live."
MP: "He was in my way. Completely in my way. Typical of the inconsiderate people one meets in supermarkets these days. I can remember when shopping was a pleasure. Now where's the pleasure in it? Rush, rush, rush, that's all people ever do. He asked for it, that's all I can say..."
As I have related before, Wellington's ex-mayor Sir Michael Fowler had a wonderful adventure of his own at the same supermarket. He bought a small dinnerset from me and went off to the supermarket, carrying the set in two plastic shopping bags. As he entered the supermarket he asked a man outside whether he would mind the bags for him while he shopped inside. The man was delighted to accept the suggestion but when Michael emerged he found - to his amazement and horror - that the person to whom he had entrusted the dinnerset had disappeared. The ensuing conversation went like this:
SMF: I've searched everywhere, but the fellow has completely vanished. My dinnerset has gone with him.
DH: How was he dressed?
SMF: Oh, the usual. No, I tell a lie. He was pretty casually dressed, actually. [Muses for a moment.] I suppose you would have to say he was dressed in rags.
DH: Let me guess. He was bearded. His hair was long and very unkempt. And he was very dirty.
SMF: Got it exactly! A perfect description. You know him?
DH: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
SMF: Why are you laughing? Come on now. What's so funny? Where's my dinnerset?
DH: Michael, you left it in the care of a tramp!
Oh what a wonderful world it is that we live in. But what will The Third Lie be?
I think I should be told.
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jaybee2003
Member
| Joined: | 26 Aug 2006 |
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| Posts: | 273 |
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Posted: 22 Nov 2007 01:51 am |
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I am in great trepidation at the moment too, and have told my dear husband I will not be answering the phone the next time it rings, in case it is the Third Call.
The First Call was one informing me my Uncle has had a stroke.
The Second Call was from the owner of a vineyard and restaurant, where I have lunch booked for a crowd of us on Monday, to say her husband has to leave for Ireland tomorrow for his mother's funeral. Unfortunately, her husband is the Chef, and neither she or her staff are confident they can prepare the menu I had chosen to his standards. But, she can still provide lunch, as long as we don't mind chicken and salads. So. As they are usually closed on Mondays, and are opening especially for us, I feel I can't really cancel the booking. Chicken and salad it is. At least we know their wine is good!
As for that Third Call - It hasn't happened yet, but it sure won't be me answering it!.Attached Image (viewed 59 times):
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jaybee2003
Member
| Joined: | 26 Aug 2006 |
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| Posts: | 273 |
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Posted: 22 Nov 2007 02:05 am |
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What is it about Three?....
Third time lucky
Bad luck comes in three's
Is it to do with 'on the third day He rose from the dead' ?
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